CLUNKER CLASSIC 2002
“Corpses
don’t roll over”
After
a couple of years of chatting on STW forum about racing
clunkers, we all met up in a pub on Exmoor for some lunch, ales
and pre race scrutinising. We had seven good guys, seven dodgy
bikes, zero reliable brakes, some goggles, dodgy helmets and a
fake “Tom Ritchey” tash.
As
we set off I tried to kick out the back end of my rod braked
postie bike to slide it round a corner but the crank snapped
clean off. So I nipped back to the car and grabbed a singlespeed
Chameleon. Hardly a clunker, but still enough bike to get me
into trouble.
One
of the yanks was complaining about his plumbs. He showed me a US
Airforce medical form that read “testicular pain . . . . .
bike trauma”. Cool.
The
course is great, it follows a stream from about 1500ft to sea
level through a wooded valley: singletrack, grass, rocks, drop
offs, riverbed rocky trails, fast open swooops, several stream
crossings, fast double track, tarmac through the village, and
then a pub.
We
stopped frequently on the 2 hour push up the hill for sustenance
and eventually reached the top. We were all packing food and
beer and chilled out on the hilltop for an hour or so in some of
the best weather I’ve seen recently. An old guy on an old road
bike declined our invitation to race but was intrigued about the
whole thing and it was nice to have a spectator at the start.
A
Le Man start got things going, but the first casualties were not
far away. Jared’s chopper forked bike folded up on the first
bit of off road, and the bike was soon discarded. He then had to
walk back down to pub. Essentially meaning he had just dragged a
mix of bike and car parts up a hill for 5 miles, and then walked
back down. More of a rambling trip than biking weekend for
Jerry. Hey, and this guy fixes F-16’s for the US Airforce, but
he cant make chopper forks!
Tory
tried airing over a road crossing on his Shwinn Stingray. It was
grass slope up, tarmac, grass slope down, a sort of tabletop. He
went for it and actually landed on top of Dan. Bruce was riding
a “Wee bike” with a battering ram on the front. All the way
down the course he had unplanned dismounts and full on wipeouts.
I was the next victim with a big air where I landed before the
bike. I skidded along on my back through a boulder field, and
left some flesh on the hill. After this I took it easy and just
picked up the trail of bike parts that was being left behind by
the other guys. Martin’s beach cruiser was straight out of the
box and coaster brakes were an entirely new concept for him. He
was seen over shooting most corners and embraced the vegetation
several times.
As
I came down some trials motorcyclists updated us on the action
at the “tete de la course”. Tory had no front tyre and was
still racing. He hit some big bumps and the spring on his
springer style fork blew up, soon after the front tyre blew up,
followed by the rear. He raced on with his frame stretching and
cranks hitting the ground. After crippling the frame, bending
the cranks, wrecking the banana seat and squashing a pedal, he
ditched the bike and ran the last 2 miles to the finish. His
pride and joy had become twisted scrap. We were surprised that
it didn’t just burst in to flames. Jared found it as he walked
down and rode/carried it to the finish.
At
the front of the race with Tory out of contention Dan and Dennis
were duelling it out. The frequent rivers crossing meant the
poor brakes were less effective than normal and subsequently
they were going pretty fast. After 4 miles and a few wrecks Dan
pulled away on the twisting fire road and was the first back to
the finish line (the bar). The locals looked startled as he
stood there in his vest and goggles, covered in mud, ordering
his pint and telling everyone that he was the Clunker Classic
champion.
Over
the next couple of hours we all met up back at the pub, where I
was adhering to furniture through the power of scabs. Only when
we were all down did the gravity of the whole clunking carnage
become apparent as we traded stories about “that nasty
corner/river/log/rock” and “that dodgy
bar/seat/frame/tyre/brake”.
Dan
was awarded the winners yellow T-shirt (thanks Gil) and medal,
cunningly crafted from some chain, a chainring and gold
hammerlite. Dan was very pleased with his win as he rarely rides
a bike and is not what you would call a mountainbiker. He
confessed “If that race had had anything to do with fitness, I
would not have won” and put his win down to “holding on”.
The
post race celebration went on into the night, with more beer and
some Black Sabbath. Bruce had to be lashed to the front of a car
to transport him back to campsite. Dan checked on him in the
morning and reassured everyone who was worried about him:
“corpses don’t roll over”
Over
a fried breakfast at a local hotel the next morning, I found a
pictorial history of Porlock. The hills around these parts have
been used for racing stuff up and down for many years. We were
just the most recent bikers to bomb down and add a bit of social
colour to Porlock and the hills. Before we split everyone had
big plans for next years clunkers and there will no doubt be a
lot of welding going on in a few sheds before we meet up again.
Clunker
Classic 2002 Results:
Name
On what?
Time
1.
Dan Munt
red clunker / weed
about 20 mins
2.
Dennis Thorn red clunker/stash
a bit longer
3.
Tory Neil
Stingray and on foot
a bit longer again
4.
Martin
red clunker/cruiser
about an hour
5.
Charlie Hobbs not
a proper clunker
an hour and a bit
6.
Bruce
wee bike with battering ram
about 90 mins
7.
Jared
chopper then foot / pain killers
a few hours
Charlie
proudly presents
The second
Annual
CLUNKER
CLASSIC 2003
Clunkers
gathered in their masses
Just
like Tom Ritchey with bad tashes
Evil
minds that plot destruction
Sorcerers
of death’s construction
On
the trails are bodies burning
As
the rust machines keep turning
Peace
and scabs to mankind
Poisoning
their ale stained minds
Oh
lord Yeah!
The Clunker
Classic is back! It’s a bit like DH rural robot wars. And this
July we’re doing it all over again.
The Clunker
Classic starts on Saturday 12th July with lunch in a
nice pub, followed by a 5 mile ride/push/rest up 1700 feet to
the top of Exmoor where we stop for more refreshments. It’s a
Le Man race start followed by a 5 mile downhill, complete with
technical sections, stream crossings and high speed whooping
fire roads. The only rule is that you have to race on an old or
inappropriate bike. We’re talking choppers, shoppers, postie
bikes, beach cruisers, tandems, BMXs, anything but not a proper
MTB.
To give you an
indication of what to expect this year, last year:
·
The weather was fantastic
·
We had an international field of over
half a dozen competitors
·
We had a spectator
·
Only three bikes rolled across the line -
seven started.
·
The guy who came third, ran the last two
miles!
·
The prize giving ceremony lasted ‘til
after closing time.
·
No one died
·
No one even went to casualty
No entry fees,
no insurance, no medics, just a bunch of people on old bikes.
Accommodation is “Springfield” a nice and basic campsite
very near the village (no yellow people though). Pack a picnic
for the top of the hill. Pack tools and spare tubes for the way
down. Wear a helmet. Feel free to dress for the occasion. We
even have a trophy and world championship status.
Everyone is
welcome. If you fancy getting back to basics, all you need to do
is root around in the shed/garage/skip/museum and get yourself
either an old or inappropriate bike. I’m available on charlie.hobbs@virgin.net
if you fancy chatting about this.
Clunker Classic II
Lunch
time Saturday 12th July 2003
Ship
Inn
Porlock
Somerset
- England
Charlie.hobbs@virgin.net
|
Raleigh Chopper Owners Club ( www.rcoc.co.uk
)
